With some practice, this can become a way a life.  We save every exciting, new experience for another more convenient day.   Often I catch myself passing up an opportunity to participate in something enjoyable because my husband or my kids aren’t with me.

Sometimes I drive by an incredible new place but don’t go in because I think to myself, “I will wait until the kids are in town and we will all get together and try that place out”.  I go through my closet, passing up what I really want to wear  – not because it is inappropriate for my planned activity -  but because it is too just nice to wear and use up.  Frugal can become a disease if you let it.

Last March I purchased some gloriously colorful coffee cups  (pictured above) at World Market in Buckhead next to Binders Art Supply Store.  This set of coffee cups seemed perfect for an artist since each one is a different color.

“How Inspiring!” , I thought.

They also stack so neatly in their vertical holding rack so that these cups take up very little counter space, yet stay out of the cupboard, displaying their bold, beautiful colors.

After returning home, I began to doubt my worthiness to use these simple coffee cups.  What if I break one?  Then the set will be ruined.  I will never be able to find another single cup that fits into the rack with the others, and if I did, the color wouldn’t match.

“These will be really neat to have when company comes over.”  I continued to scheme.  “  I can set them next to the coffee pot, each guest will be so delighted to have their own uniquly colored cup!”

Today I woke up and thought, What the heck is wrong with me?

I spent a silly$20 bucks on these cups. I love these cups.  Yet I have not drank the first sip of coffee from them.  What am I waiting on?

My Dad came to visit, he used the  cups, but I asked him to be really careful and not break them since they were part of a set.  He just looked at me, and didn’t anything….out loud that is….   Then he continued to drink his coffee.  He used the green one.  I noticed.  The next day, he drank from a different color.  At age 80, he isn’t saving anything for another day.

I am not saving things anymore!  I am using them!  I am going to  live a little!

And to further brag on myself, I am going to get up from here and go to my closet and put on my “good” brown pants.  You know, the ones I am “saving” for when we go out of town.  Like the people out of town will somehow be impressed by these “good” brown pants.  HA!

Thanks for listening to my craziness today.

Studio Notes:  I am working on some large non-representational abstracts for next year.  I rarely paint this way.  Typically you can identify something, someone, or somewhere in my paintings.

I have wanted to do this for a long time, but was holding back.  Non-representational Abstracts have a reputation of being more difficult to sell.  Poop on that!

I am painting them anyway.  I can’t hold them back any longer.  They must run their course.

I think abstract can be about attitude and mood more so than other compostions.  I am hoping my new coffee cup attitude will help with these paintings.  So far the paintings have been quite a struggle for me.

When I working on them, I don’t feel good the way I normally do when painting.

I will learn to embrace this feeling.  I am painting through it.  I am painting this discontent, this uneasiness, all while drinking from my colorful coffee cups!!

I typically paint happy stuff, but I am up and down just like everyone else.

These notes were written several months ago. I am a painter, I make no claim as a writer, but would like share my notes with you here, on my blog.

Last last February, to be exact, is when I painted this piece and wrote these notes:

BARREN

Such a horrible painful word when it applies to you. How do I, a woman who has been given buckets and buckets of joy in the form of children, comfort a friend who finds out she now wears the label of barren?

How do I find words ? Do I say something stupid like “I understand your pain”….. Not me, the woman with four children….. I can’t say that to her…… Or to say, “I’m sorry” seems to fall flat.

I can’t mention that the thought of living without my own child is unbearable and unimaginable?
I can’t mention how the bond with my own daughter has been life-altering, forever changing me.
I can’t mention how nothing has ever compared to how it felt to hold my newborn girl in my arms?
I can’t mention how nothing was ever the same again?

The doctor has labeled her sterile, barren, unable to conceive. I think the PC term now is infertile. Old Testament Sarah was “barren”. And old term, but means the same thing today as it did back then. Brings the same pain.

I have no idea what to about this. I can’t make it better.

Thinking Out Loud: Surrender

My daily devotional today involved the word surrender. It was a fine article, written by a man. It began with reviewing the negative connotations surrounding the word surrender. Losing a battle. White flag. Giving up. Forfeiting a game. Yielding to a weaker opponent.

I could not relate to any of this. I am many things, a lot of them not so good, but I was not born to compete. I am more of a join hands and sing around a hippie campfire kinda gal. Born too late to be a hippie, I was wedged into the “me” generation.

In one of a handful of yoga classes I have ever attended, we were to “surrender” to the pose, not force it. Let it come to you. This one little class planted a seed about the ACT of surrender. Surrender can be a deliberate, specific actions that happens with your heart, your mind, your body.

This concept stuck with me and I use it in the studio all the time. I am not making the painting, I am surrendering myself to the painting.

this same concept is significant to my relationship with God. It is not about my definition of Truth, there is no MY TRUTH. There is only THE TRUTH.

Surrendering yourself, submitting yourself to something greater, yielding yourself is a major milestone of growth.

I am not bragging about my own ability to surrender here. One has to continually learn to surrender all over again and again. I have to relearn it everyday. I fail miserably at this alot.

Painters can grow fat egos if not careful. Until they go to a museum and see a painting so beautiful it brings actual tears to their eyes. The majestic beauty of a masterpiece can humble a painter like nothing else can.

We are selfish creatures by nature. We have to surrender in order for things to flow out of us. But with practice and help you can learn to surrender yourself on a regular basis.

Try it next time your create, and see what pours out from your Creator instead of from yourself.

Well, I better add one exception to the electronic music thing, I will experience electronic music during church this weekend, since we have screaming loud guitars at our cool church.

So until then, I am programming my nails down on the keyboard. I have lot to add to the BeeGreen site. Kristen has been very active this past week and has tons of updates for me to load onto her site.

I also have redesigned the Flint River Web Design site. It isn’t ready to go yet, but I will have some of it up before I unplug tomorrow. I finally got of my duff and got a real domain for my web design business.

I also snagged a very nice photo of a young blond girl ( or is that Bond girl? ) on her laptop in a grassy field for the site header. Looks kinda sorta like Hannah, but not really. Hannah wouldn’t let me take her pic, too busy driving “the car formally known as mine” around town.

Oh yeah, I am not off the grid, only unplugged. I am using light bulbs, hot water, and the microwave. I often dream of getting one of those yurt huts I see in Mother Earth News and living off the grid for awhile. There is a artist community in Argentina that looks very appealing. Those of you who know me well are now laughing, especially since I am such a electronic gadget freak.

Yes, go head, laugh at me!!!! The wonderful thing about being in your 40′s is that you no longer are bothered by people laughing AT you. You actually like it since by 40 you have probably already had your fair share of tears and despair.

If anyone else can join me on this little experiment, please let me know. I would love to read your comments about the experience.

I think it goes without saying that I will be painting for much of my unplugged time, cuzz well duhhh, that is what I DO people. –Cindy

When I first began to explore painting, it was a little like an explosion. I wanted to try everything, paint everything, become everything. It was exciting. It was consuming.

It was hard to keep that up. I am finding this summer in particular a certain comfort from limiting my palette, my subjects, my medium. I am doing small oil landscapes on smooth, slick gesso boards. That’s it this summer.

Those of you who know me well, know this is pretty unusual for me and my short creative attention span. I try to intentionally avoid the confines of control in my studio. That is part of the reason I am in there anyway! Self control is useful for dieting, wine, and driving in Atlanta.

I did not choose these small oil landscapes. They chose me. My studio is really, really hot this time of year. Painting small pieces allows me to paint inside. It is a physical necessity.

It is comforting to know that each day, I won’t need an explosion of creativity to get something on canvas. I have surrendered and accepted my landscape series. I am hoping by the end of the summer, I will have made progress. Whatever progress is for little ole individual me.

I feel comfortable accepting my own definition of progress. I am comfortable using my own measuring stick instead of someone else’s stick.

This landscape series is linear for me. I don’t typically follow a linear journey with my art. Each painting is basically comprised of a series of steps. The steps remain the same, the only the subjects change. I am sure I will tire of it. But for now, with the summer heat, I am enjoying it.

Could it be that I am beginning to mature? nawwww, I think it is just a phase. I will be back to explosions and experiments when the heat breaks. I found a bunch of acrylic mediums on sale last week and I want to try them out and make some bumpy, gritty, blobby paintings maybe with moons again. I also bought a HUGE mop head brush that is waiting for me as soon as the heat is gone.

Cindy

Here are a couple of peaceful pics from April’s Artist Retreat . It is so nice to run away from responsibilities and take ALL your painting crap and just hang out and create something. (Mrs. English Teacher, is THIS a run-on sentence? ha-ha)

Next time I will remember that I really don’t NEED watercolor, oil, and acrylic with brushes, mediums, and surfaces. DUH!!!! but when I have a empty car, I feel the need to fill it up. — Cindy